Tuesday, September 1, 2009

the blog i've been avoiding

This is the blog I've been avoiding. The one where I have to talk about my first day back to work tomorrow, my first day without the kids in 15 months. Over the last few weeks I've been going though denial, sadness, anxiety and anticipation (and not the good kind of anticipation). How I typically handle things is...I don't like complaining, my glass is always half-full, I don't like to make a big deal about things, I don't sweat the small stuff, I try to see the positive in every situation, I always know that someone has it worse. This is not how I have been or even want to feel about my going back to work full-time. I want to complain, make a big deal about it, sweat it, think and talk about the negative aspects of the situation and I don't want to focus on people who have it worse. I don't want to hear things like, "well at least you only work 10 months" or "at least you're home by 3:30" or "at least you work 2 minutes from your house" or "good jobs are hard to come by...you should feel lucky", etc., etc., etc. None. of. that. matters. to. me. The truth is, I just want to be home with the kids. End of story. I want to get them up in the morning, make their breakfast and clean-up after them. I want to help Connor and Emily play nicely together, and correct them when they don't. I want to see Camryn scoot around the house on her butt and see those first steps that I know are coming any day now. I want to make the bottles, clean the dishes, do the wash and plan their day. I don't want to miss one minute of what will happen between 7:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. But I'm going to.

The decision was between going back or resigning completely...my job was held for me, I'm grateful that I have a job where that is possible. I had to think about the long term benefits rather than the short term ones. I can only hope and pray that I don't look back on the decision five years from now and wish I had went for the short term.

1 comment:

  1. Feel bad about it. Wallow in self pity. Cry. Eat a gallon of ice cream and tray of rice crispy treats. Then have a dozen cookies.
    I have a friend who's daughter died two years ago and I was talking to him once and said "You probably don't want to hear me talk about all the things I don't like about my life" and he said "just because my reality is different than yours, doesn't mean you feelings are any less valid".
    So feel them and don't apologize.
    Then get up and go to work anyway.